How to Make Him/Her Happy

I am a master psychologist. Trust me here. =)

How to make her happy:

1. Listen.
I know girls talk a lot. A lot about things that aren’t really important at all. This is because they think differently than guys. Guys like the end result, cuz want something to lead somewhere.
Girls are different. They are all about the process. Screw the result. Girls can call each other to see how they’re doing, because they like communication for the sake of communication. If a guy called another guy “just to talk”, he gets labeled a “homo”.

No, seriously.
Girl: “I’m going to go to the dry cleaning today. Do you want me to wash that blazer you like? The one that looks like Dr. House’s blazer? Hugh Laurie is really cool. I like British guys. Not to say I don’t like you. I wonder how good of a doctor he would be in real life. Oh, right! Nurses! We need to get Betty something for her anniversary coming up. Let’s go shopping! I need your help!”
Guy: “Yo, get up.”
See, the girl is really hard to follow, right? The thing is, our train of thought isn’t all that different. One thing links to another. The difference is that they think aloud and we just vocalize the end result.

Anyway, listen to her (not in a submissive way, but just to acknowledge what she’s saying).

(This “Female way” of talking used to really irritate me until I found out they were just thinking aloud.)

2.  Go out. A lot.
When a guy treats a girl well, she fucks him. Or blows him.
However, when the girl is being really good, you don’t just go up to her as she’s working and start fucking her. Or even going down on her.
Go somewhere. Not just a restaurant so you can stare at food and stare at the decorations and go home. Do something fun. Go to Disneyland or something.
She likes it as much as you like fucking.

*Side note: Expensive doesn’t mean good. A hot dog from a street vendor at a park is a million times better than a 3 course meal if you’re a fun guy. Expensive experiences are like sticking talented actors in a movie. If the movie (your personality) is great, it will be freaking amazing. If the movie sucks (you’re lame), no amount of Christian Bale is gonna save your shitfest (yeah, he’s a good actor. Fuck you too.)

3.  Talk about everything.
If you notice something, mention it to her. If she looks at you like you’re a weirdo and calls you out of being awkward, then….why are you with/courting her?
I found a really cool thing: dumb stuff. Mention a lot of dumb stuff. It won’t matter if it’s dumb, as long as you deliver the line well (remember: stand up comedians are funny for the way they say things and the character they create. The lines themselves aren’t all that funny. Craziest mindfuck ever when you start to learn how professional entertainers perceive the world).
And if you’re gonna stick to a few topics, use the safety topics every girl likes. The Community calls this “Chick Crack”. If you have any questions or discussions about relationships (especially romantic), the supernatural, psychology tests, or anything of that sort, fire away. They always love it.

4. Don’t get too “into” her.
This creates neediness. Don’t be afraid to go a day without calling her if you’re busy.
And if you see a hot girl wearing basically nothing on the street, feel free to sneak a peak through your peripheral vision (you’re allowed to completely tilt your head if she’s not there). You’re not her slave. You can check her out. Just don’t point to her ass and go “Honey, look at that smoking ass! Can you work out more so your ass can look like that? God she’s so hot! I wanna fuck her! Let’s go ask her to partake in a threesome with us!”
Besides, with just the right amount of subtlety, you can make her jealous. (WARNING: This is of questionable morality to some. I have a Greene-esque perspective on game theory, so make your own choice).

5. Understand why chicks like chick stuff.
You don’t have to watch Twilight. Just understand why  THEY would like it.
I’m gonna end this here before I start describing Twilight, leading to my opinions on it, leading to me looking like a misogynist.
And if you’re a dude who likes Twilight or Bruno Mars, go eat a dick.

How to make him happy:

1. Never challenge them in public.
Maybe he said something that wasn’t exactly 100% accurate. Don’t just stand up at the dinner table and go “YOU FUCKING IDIOT! A MILE IS LONGER THAN A KILOMETER! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?”
Just as women like connecting for the sake of connecting, men live in a stratified society full of ranks. To “call him out” will belittle him and make him shrink in front of his peers. I’m not going into the evolutionary psychology of it all, because it should be fairly obvious.

2. Fuck. A lot. Passionately. Everywhere.

3. Don’t probe too deeply if you meet resistance.
Women share everything amongst each others. Men don’t. They are taught from a young age to shut the fuck up if you can’t contribute to anything.
I remember a period of time where Trisha would ask me every day about my innermost fears and my greatest vulnerabilities. At the time, I wasn’t comfortable talking about that shit, because men cannot show weakness to anyone, right? Well eventually I told her, but it made me feel highly uncomfortable when she probed a lot. If he doesn’t wanna talk, he doesn’t wanna talk. Especially about things that make him weak.

4. Don’t make him work like a detective.
If you say “nothing’s wrong”, there better be nothing wrong. I don’t wanna have to read your microexpressions and see your lips purse to one side for a fourth of a second followed by a smile to see that you’re upset and hiding it. I have to do enough people reading at work and I don’t want to have to bring Ekman’s findings home with me.

5. Propose places to go and general plans.
Guys don’t like going out as much as girls. If you wanna go somewhere, let us know. Better yet, tell us which place you would like to go to (since there’s a chance that the guy will guess wrong and take you to a bar when you wanted to just go grab froyo and look at stars).
Don’t be too specific, though. If you have every detail planned out, you’ll look controlling and he’ll be scared away. I know it’s female instinct to fill in all gaps and voids, but guys like emptiness.
Good: “Let’s go to an amusement park!”
Bad: “Let’s go out…. somewhere.”
Bad:  “Let’s go to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn at 10:53 to get the best angle with the sun. Make sure we’ are there at exactly 10:00, because I’ll be pissed if we miss it due to the line. Then we have to ride Space Mountain at 11:34. Don’t ask why. I’m telling you anyway! Cuz last summer…”

6. Get to the point.
You see the observation of female communication versus male communication in part 3 of the previous section? Do that. Go from A to B. All that A2, A3, stuff that goes on in your head? We don’t need to hear that.

Feel free to add anything here in the comments.

One-itis (“There’s This One Girl…”)

If there’s one thing that needs to stop in today’s society, it’s one-itis. For you non PUA literate people, one-itis is when a guy is head over heels over a girl. One girl. And refuses to compromise. Another girl that is just as good won’t cut it for him. It has to be that one girl. It’s not just a few of my friends, it seems to be everywhere. To that I ask:

Q: If you’re crazy about a girl and you want to be with her really badly but she does not return the sentiments, is that “love” or “obsession?”

Q: If there are over 3 billion women on the planet, why would you be fixated on one?

Q: How many truly unique personalities do you know? If you’re honest with yourself, it’s probably less than 100. Isn’t there bound to be a girl somewhere with the exact same personality? I mean, we have a lot of friends that think like us because our similar environment, right? How could one girl truly be “unique”?

———————————–

And the best way to lose a girl is to not be able to give her up.

The thing is, a lot of people are naturally pussies, though they’d never admit it (some don’t even know it). When they start to fixate on one woman, the inner pussy comes out. They start become needy and clingy, or somehow just not as alpha as they were. This is why a lot of people with game like to date 3 girls or so at a time, so they can avoid getting one-itis and becoming clingy.

You know when a guy gets up and puts on his coat and she asks “where are you going?”

Well, it’s kinda clingy of her. Obviously, she does not get much self-validation when she’s home waiting for him to come back from work. She becomes clingy because he’s basically all she has.

He, on the other hand, has people at work and comes back tired. There’s no need to be clingy to her.

She does not want to give him up, so she becomes clingy. He perceives it as nagging and is driven further away.

Of course, a man is much more tolerant of a clingy woman than a woman is tolerant of a clingy guy. The evolutionary aspect of this is simple: A woman loyal to a man means replication value for the man, while a guy loyal to a woman can mean he’s a beta male and needs to be replaced by an alpha male for the sake of the offspring.

So don’t develop one-itis. Don’t be clingy, especially as a guy. To make sure you truly have a girl, you must be willing to let her go.

I remember I was having a fight with Trisha a few weeks back and I just said “whatever, do what you want, I’m going this way” and left. She followed me, shadowed me for a good 2 minutes before asking me if she could come along. If you’re not clingy, they sense it and reward you for it.

Speaking of Trisha,  I figured out why her parents don’t like me. I’m not a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. And history, as an undergrad major, does little to impress Asian parents. So I guess my whole existence is pissing them off. It really gives me something to think about while she’s riding my dick, which I believe is the second hottest thing a woman can do. I’m not gonna tell you the first, because you’d think I was some kind of super pervert, which I am.*

Oh yeah, and the whole “3 billion women on Earth” thing should do wonders for a man’s potential approach anxiety. If you’re afraid to approach a woman, just think about how many other woman there are in the world, and getting blown off by this one won’t mean shit. It’s an insignificant speck in the universe, kinda like Earth itself. Rejection by one person isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. This perspective really helped me at college parties.

*Everyone has a cardinal sin as their weakness. No exceptions. I know mine is lust, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that bad I guess. It’s way better than wrath.

Evolutionary Psychology and the Awesomeness of Sperm (Part 2)

Refer to part 1 a few entries back if you’re lost.

Here’s a few more thoughts about why we operate the way we do with evolutionary psychology.

Q: Why do girls forgive guys for cheating more than guys forgive girls? Of course, women are more mature, right?
A: When a woman conceives, she knows for certain that 50% of her genes are going into her baby, so her lineage will be continued.  A guy has no such insurance. Imagine the horror of being deceived into raising someone else’s kid. When women cheat, we’re done with them. It’s a risk we can’t take (I know we have genetic testing now. Think of it in context of the speed of evolution, you know, why we’re still born with foreskin and an appendix).

Q: Then why do women care if men cheat? Either way they’re getting 50% of the baby’s genes, right?
A: A man tends to divide his resources among his different kids, because they are all biologically “him” and thus all deserve an equal chance at living and passing on their genes. Thus if a man goes off and bangs some other woman, he might divert resources to the mistress and not the wife. This hurts the wife’s child’s chance of surviving.

Q: What’s with the licking of genitalia?
A: It’s the easiest way to tell if someone is healthy and faithful. When someone’s wrong, you can tell.

Q: How does homosexual activity factor into evolution?
A: Of course, a pure homosexual cannot reproduce, so that’s out of the equation. A bisexual, however, tends to be more sexually open. They have more partners, and they become sexually competent at a younger age (which means more fertile years). I forgot the exact numbers, but a bisexual loses their virginity 3 years sooner than a heterosexual. Of course, the more years of banging and the more partners to bang also lead to more disease. This, in addition to discrimination, keeps the homosexual population in check. They increase due to the evolutionary advantage, and then decrease due to a horizontal asymptote imposed by their own sickness. So in a way, it’s kinda like sickle cell anemia. If you trace your lineage 5 generations, you’ll probably find someone who engaged in a lot of homosexual activity.

Q: How has the history of rape affected mankind?
A: Objectively speaking, rape is an acceptable reproduction strategy. A select few in a given population are unable to find a mate by traditional means, so they use another method that works. It does, however, tend to piss people off (kinda like the douchebag who puts his army in Australia to collect the 2 armies a turn). It works because the woman’s body is more likely to ovulate when the sperm is unrecognized. The downside is that societies tend to form mobs to track and kill rapists. The animals that are afraid of this join raping parties, where they go out and rape with their buddies (common in birds). The first one to get his turn has a slight advantage in the sperm war.
It is also worth noting that several species of animals will not ovulate UNLESS THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY under attack. So, all of them have rapist blood in them.
Finally, a man who has “gone too far” and not stopped when she said “no” has 3 times higher chance of her staying with him in a relationship if he actually completes the task. If he misses too many times and shoots out of over-excitement, he’s screwed.

Q: Condoms – Does the guy’s sperm know that it’s getting screwed?
A:  I want to say yes and no. He tends to secrete 10% less sperm when there’s a condom. Why not 100% less? Beats me. Maybe our bodies are still adjusting to this amazing phenomenon of a condom.

Q: How is the guy/girl ratio done?
A: Ok, you know it’s not 50-50.  It actually depends on the social and financial situation of the father. Sounds crazy, no? I kept this for the end because I imagined a lot of readers would walk off here. Bear with me.
An analysis of the most successful families in America, like Presidential families and rich Rockefeller types, shows that the guy:girl ratio is 3:2. That’s nowhere near 50-50, or the 53-47 they told me. Think about this…
When a girl is ugly/fat/poor, someone will still go for her (guilty as charged under cases of depression). Someone will fuck her, no matter how bad she is. Having a woman is a safe bet. On the other side of that, there is a limit to how many kids a woman can have in her lifetime, since she has to carry them in her body.
On the other hand, a son is a risk. He could be James Bond, banging a different hot chick every night. He can be like a king/emperor of the ancient world, with 800 or so biological kids. Or he can be a fat, awkward WoW addict with acne and nerd rage. No one will fuck this guy, not even the ugly/fat/poor girl. So having a son is a bigger risk with a potentially bigger payback.
That’s why the most influential families have more sons than daughters and why every low income family living in apartments that I managed had 80% girls.

I might write a third chapter later. Maybe. Until then, may you spread your seed and ensure your biological immortality.

Evolutionary Psychology and the Awesomeness of Sperm (Part 1)

Has anyone read Robin Baker’s book Sperm Wars? It’s amazing.

Rule #1: Everything in humanity leads to its survival and replication so it can continue existing in the next generation.

Let’s start at a micro level.

You know what sperm look like? The little head with the long skinny tail?

Actually, only around 60% of sperm look like that. There are fat headed short tailed sperm, two headed sperm, everything.

And only 1% is capable of fertilizing an egg. They are the seekers.

So the majority of the skinny ones are what we call “kamikaze sperm”. They are filled with venom and their purpose is to kill other people’s sperm (whoever ejaculated inside the female in the last day or so). They are the beaters with the quaffles.

The fat ones are the blockers/goalies. They block the entrance.

See, the vagina has a wall with holes in it. Think of it like a honeycomb. There are channels for entry. The more fat blocker sperm you have, the more channels you can block off and you can control the flow of any sperm that come after you. You can restrict the opponent to a few narrow corridors where your kamikaze sperm can Thermopylae their asses.

So…

Sperm start off skinny fertilizer/kamikaze and age into fat blockers. Therefore, a young sperm army (meaning you just ejaculated) is favorable for an offensive war, and a well balanced army (2-3 days) is favorable for a defensive war.

This is why….

Monogamous partners tend to fuck every 2-3 days or so, because the man subconsciously wants a consistent supply of sperm at the desired defense ratio in the woman. There would be some fertilizers, some kamikaze just circling around, and some fat blockers to hold the fort.

If she cheats on him,

The intruder will want a young army to fertilize and kill the partner’s sperm. Thus, he tends to masturbate before the encounter to shed the old soldiers and make a new army to combat the defense.

Though in the conscious mind, he’s “preparing to last longer to bring her more pleasure”.

Subconsciously, he’s doing what his ancestors have biologically programmed him to do.

—————————–

So I’m sure you’ve often heard about people bragging about their dick size.

What evolutionary advantage does it bring?

A longer dick has more surface area, which dries the vagina of another man’s sperm faster (Assuming she was inseminated in the last 2 days). So basically, a bigger dick is like carpet bombing the city before sending your troops in. It destroys most of the competition, assuming their soldiers are still occupying the city. (However, this “Carpet bombing” does nothing if the sperm has already passed through the honeycomb filter. These troops have already marched towards the capital and the carpet bomb would be ineffective).

So a bigger dick is useful if she has been fucked in the last 2 days.

Not that big an advantage, IMO.

You know what IS a bigger advantage? Larger testicles.

It means more troops. Kinda like how Russia wins all defensive wars by throwing as many people as they can against the enemy and watch them run out of ammo. Kinda how you an get 4 Zerglings for the price of a Zealot. This is a bigger advantage than a big dick. Feel free to point this out to the next idiot you hear bragging about dick size.

Of course, a bigger dick probably has an advantage at making a girl orgasm. Most girls aren’t sensitive beyond the first 2 inches. There is, however, the occasional exception.

What’s the advantage of making her orgasm?

When she orgasms, her filter (the honeycomb) goes down for about 2 minutes. Then it comes back stronger than it was before (more channels are blocked).

This allows for all sperm to pass through, and then none after your load.

So basically, if you make her orgasm and then ejaculate inside her in the next 2 minutes, you’re at the best strategic position. Your soldiers will be bunkered in and her body serves to assist you instead of remaining neutral.

Of course, you don’t need to have a monster cock and make her orgasm, then ejaculate immediately afterwards.

You can go down on her until she orgasms and then finish in two minutes. ^^

——————–

You know how your body keeps track of the past? Like your white blood cells can easily defeat a disease if you’ve already had it because it stores it in some internal hard drive?

The same exists for the vagina. It remembers every man she’s fucked (unless the sperm was blocked with a condom). You might notice that her flowback is less than what you ejaculated inside her. That’s because she keeps some in her body to store in her biological hard drive.

Here’s where it gets freaky (everything before this, IMO, is pretty logical).

She is more likely to ovulate if she detects new sperm instead of her regular partner’s. The logic is that it’s a rare, one of a time thing. Biologically, you want as much genetic diversity as possible to ensure healthy offspring (“hybrid vigor”). Thus, she detects a new or rare breed, determines that it’s scarce and a once in a lifetime deal, and sends an egg to make a kid. Kinda like how you’re talking to a friend and your phone rings. It’s some random number you don’t know, but you stop the conversation with your buddy to pick it up anyway.

You know how in movies she cheats on him once and has a kid and you’re like “that’s bullshit, what are the chances”? Well it’s actually in his favor. Soap operas are totally scientific.

The scarcity principle also works with the same man. Soldiers returning home for a few weeks before being shipped off again tend to get their partners pregnant. This is no coincidence. Her body detects “hey, we haven’t seen this guy in a long time. When’s the next time he’s gonna be here? This is a rare occasion, we should totally ovulate.”

Her hard drive makes decisions for her. And she will never know it.

This “hard drive” phenomenon gave rise to a theory called Telegony. Basically it says that every guy a girl bangs stores their sperm in her and her kid will have traits of all of them. So if she fucks a black guy and then 5 years later a white guy, she can have a black baby. It’s pretty much bullshit, and I think the church started it to discourage premarital sex. Anyway…

There’s a few more things to discuss and I figured I’d cut it short for now. This is enough info for one day. We’ve mostly touched on the micro aspect of this. I’ll add more and focus more on macro and general theory next time.

Keep being biologically prudent. =)